Revenge of the SPADS: docs leaked to C@W

We’ve come by a transcript of the half-year performance review of a 30-something Labour Party SPAD.

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Supervisor (Senior SPAD):  So, Sparquin – what do you feel are the highlights and the disappointments of your work over the past 6 months?

Junior SPAD:  Well, Molly – the Election, obvs!  I reckon I came up with some pretty good ‘Lines To Take’ when the awkward questions started coming in from the Beeb fact-checkers during the run-up.  Nothing as awkward as the last three weeks, natch!  But at least a couple of my ‘Lines’ made it onto the One O’Clock News.  One even got into the papers the next day.  Oh, and I managed to get that idiot – sorry, Secretary of State! – Pete to tone down his promises for how many units he was going to get built by 2028.  Pretty f-ing mental, he’d just made that number up, you know?  But I’m fairly sure we’re off the hook now: his Department is really pleased.

SSS:   Yes, good catch, we all noticed, and Sir Humphrey loves what you did, the civil servants hate concrete targets – though you might want to tone down the crowing over it, you know?  Pete doesn’t forget shit like that and he’s a nasty bastard as well as a dumb twat.  Just a suggestion.  Anything else?

JS:  Well, in response to the diktat that we’re all to come up with ‘collaborative, self-directed, value-adding, no-cost workstream initiatives‘, me and three other J-SPADS have formed a little team – we call ourselves ‘Spad-u-like‘, nice, huh? – and we’ve *self-directed* ourselves on a couple of little projects to improve departmental effectiveness around here, plus morale, too!  Oh, and before you ask, yes, we’re totally diverse!   Though to be fair, we did all go to the same college …

SSS:  Great!  And disappointments?

JS:  You need to ask??  FFS – it’s getting a £5k reduction in salary!   And being on tenterhooks for three weeks before even that was confirmed.  I’m 34, fuckit – I’ve given the best part of six years to this Party!  And now we’re not even allowed to take freebies off that hedgie wanker who used to bankroll our office when we were in Opposition.  Do you know what rents are like in Homerton?

SSS:  Tell me about it – and I’m in Shoreditch!

JS, under breath:  (You wish!  Half a mile north, more like it).  Out loud:  Oh well, Polly Toynbee says we can expect lots of money to be found down the back of the sofa before Xmas!  Hahah, silly cow.

SSS:  Anyhow, it’s for the Cause, right.  Just hang in there, it’ll all work out.  Now, how about looking forward – what personal goals are you setting for the next 6 months?

JS:   Finishing the Spad-u-like project to scupper the Gray woman, obvs.  We’ve made a great start over the past two weeks, made some good networking contacts, called in a few favours at the Beeb, all the good stuff.  Even forged some vibrant links with a couple of career civil servants that she’s, errr, interacted with in the past.  Well, she’s history, you just watch.  We’re targeting end-November.  Finish laughing, clean underwear all round, then a big piss-up before Xmas at the Boom Battle Bar.  Hey, wanna nominate some faces for the axe-throwing targets ..? …

As leaked to ND