Burdens We Unnecessarily Carry

Theology and Politics from a Conservative, Biblical Perspective

If we are honest with ourselves, as Christians, we need to admit to being under the influence of the burdens we carry. Many of these burdens come to us in our youth and stay with us forever, unless we do something to eliminate them. The first step in eliminating them is to recognize they exist and often direct the way we think, act, speak and approach life.

Though we each have a personality that we are born with, too often the situations we face as children tend to “warp” that personality to push us in directions we would not necessarily go had we never had to deal with many of the issues we faced as kids. It should be at the top of our list to deal with those issues and frankly, isn’t this what salvation means; becoming unburdened? I’ll explain what I mean shortly. But before I do, understand I’m not an expert in this and the actual path taken will vary from individual to individual. For the Christian, it is sometimes difficult for us to admit that we have issues, often as a reaction to our parents’ personalities as we grew up. Those issues can manipulate us into being something God did not intend us to be.

Consider Adam and Eve. They were created complete. While complete they were untried and untested until the day they were tempted. They found out then that their perfect physical and emotional state provided no power to avoid succumbing to the temptation presented to them by the master of temptation himself; Satan.

Once they gave in and embraced the temptation set before them, they changed dramatically for the rest of their physical lives. Try as they might, they could not go back to what they were before they fell. Imagine living with that knowledge, knowing what life was life before messing up.

After Adam and Eve sinned and fell, they quickly and unmistakably realized what pain, frustration, sin in general and even death looked and felt like and how it affected their outlook on life and one another. Life then became fraught with difficulty, problems and regrets. Even though I firmly believe God still spoke to them, still embraced them and still guided them, they now had to contend with the fact that their sinful nature would often override their best wishes.

They then began having children. Two of their children – Cain and Abel – had the same upbringing, had the same information about God, and had the same opportunities to live for Him. Cain chose himself. Abel chose God. Cain’s choice resulted in Abel’s murder and afterwards, the first thing Cain thought about was the “burden” placed on him by God (Genesis 4:8-16). The last verse referenced says, “Then Cain went away from the presence of the Lord and settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden.” Cain again chose himself.

Cain went off to live “away” from the Lord (Genesis 4:8-16, as though anyone could actually do that). He wanted nothing more to do with God and for the rest of his life, he lived in “seclusion” from God. How tragic.

My wife and I are in Christian counseling now. It is not marriage counseling, but counseling stemming from her February 16th incident in which she was close to death. What I’ve learned after attending several counseling sessions is that much of the way I have felt about that incident (and God in general), is due to my own upbringing. Let me explain.

Growing up, the environment at home was somewhat volatile. Both of my parents had type A personalities, which meant they argued often. My father came from an Italian Roman Catholic background and my mother from n German/Welch Episcopalian background. In both cases, my parents were very stubborn/dictatorial in their mindset and personalities, not only toward one another, but toward my sister and me. This, as can be imagined, created a good deal of angst and the resultant walking on eggshells way too often in the home.

When my mother and father argued, it would start out verbally. All too often though, my father would end up use his hands where my mother was concerned. This is what he did as the oldest son in a large Italian family living in the Bronx, who was left in charge of his siblings when his parents were out. Unfortunately, he took this with him into marriage and would use it accordingly when he felt my mother needed to be reminded that he was the boss.

Imagine, if you will, how this impacted a very young boy or my young sister. We quickly learned that if you did not want to be on the receiving end of his physical ire, to immediately kowtow and in a sense, bend the knee.

Aside from all of this, it has become eminently important for me to realize that what I saw in my parents, I have often ascribed to Jesus Himself. Obviously, this was not only unfair to Jesus because it was untruthful, but it negatively impacted the way I approached Him in daily life.

For my father (and my mother), I realize I was always looking for affirmation. I was always trying to do the right thing. It wasn’t because I “loved” them or because I thought they loved me. It was largely due to wanting to be accepted, not disciplined; to feel good, not live in fear.

Let me say at this juncture in very strong terms that I do not hold a grudge against either of my parents, both of whom died some years ago. They did the best they could do. They both lived through the Great Depression and often lived hand to mouth. They both came from volatile homes where their parents argued a lot due to the many frustrations they faced.

My Italian relatives on my dad’s side were full of life. Everything was big. I don’t recall them ever arguing when we got together, though I don’t believe my father and his father got along all that well.

Regarding my mom’s family, there was tension between my mom’s mother and father. Sometimes you could cut it with a knife. The fake smiles came out to put the best face on, but even at my young age, I noticed something amiss. It wasn’t always tense, but there was somewhat of an constant undercurrent of it.

After my grandfather’s death on my mom’s side, we continued  visiting my grandmother who at the time was raising 7 foster kids (for income). All of them were on the autism spectrum somewhere and made it difficult to feel comfortable around them since I didn’t know what that was at the time. The oldest girl was often violent and ultimately, had to be put in a home where she could be monitored and helped.

There were times when my mother and her mother would argue and, even at my young age, I saw where my mom gained her personality or quirks. Her mother often reacted to fear or pressure the same way my mother did. It was passed down from mother to daughter.

Clearly, my parents lived what they learned and I have lived what I learned as well. You probably do the same.

This is the burden I carry and have carried for so long. When I became a Christian at the age of 13, that burden did not necessarily change for me. In fact, I can look back over my life and see that the quirks and problems with my own traits have remained. While there has been some movement away from them, I have realized (gee, at 68!), that I have unintentionally seen Jesus as Someone similar to my parents; with my relationship with Him built on fear of rejection rather than those embraced by love. This is not the same as having a healthy fear of (offending) the Lord, by the way.

I can only remember my father telling me that he loved me once during my growing up years. For my dad, his way of saying he loved me was generally to hold up his fist in a playful way and say, “I’ll rap you!” But again, my father had his own issues. He was not generally a happy man and neither was my mother.

Conversely, not only does Jesus tell us how much He loves us, but He proved it by taking on the form of humanity, living a life of complete sinlessness and dying a criminal’s death so that our debt could be fully paid. Yet, in spite of this, I have unfortunately, always seen Jesus as Someone who stands there with that ready look of disapproval, just like my father and mother did with me for so many years. I realize that I generally lived in fear of both parents, not only because of their pending disapproval, but because of their anger that would seemingly spring from nowhere at a moment’s notice. I had learned to walk on eggshells for most of my life and be prepared to shift gears suddenly. This carried with me well into my adult years.

In my early 40’s, having been married to my lovely wife since age 28 and eventually having two kids, we received a phone call telling us that my father was in the hospital near us. We hadn’t seen him for over a year or so because we’d had another “falling out.” These happened often as they did with my mother. It was impossible for us to have any normal continuity with either parent, try as Silvia and I might. It was so frustrating.

So my wife and I headed to the hospital. We got there and learned that my dad was just out of surgery. We went to his room as he was coming out of it. The weirdest part? I was still afraid of my father, who at that time was 68 and who was lying there in a hospital bed and could not do anything to me! Even though he had never “beat” me, I spent years being afraid of his anger that was always just below the surface and would quickly come to the fore on his face in various looks at a moment’s notice.

As we entered his room, my dad was just waking up. Remember, it had been over a year since we’d seen each other. He looked over and, before I could get a word out, he started crying like a baby after he saw me! In fact, he still had a tube down his throat for breathing and his crying was cutting off the air in the tube, setting off alarms on the machine near his bed.

I honestly did not know what he was crying about initially. I actually thought he was somehow angry. Then it dawned on me that he had missed me and was expressing the pain he felt from our separation in the most basic way possible. Though he often tried to present a front that said he didn’t need anyone, he had missed me. He was crying over lost time.

I didn’t understand how I could still be in fear of my father. Yet, today, over 25 years after his death, I now realize that I had transferred this fear of my parents to Jesus. I’ve spent many years being afraid of Him, waiting for His disapproval to fall when I screw up. But the Bible tells us His love for me far exceeds any love my parents might have had for me and their own limitations in dealing with their own sorrows, failures and problems in life.

While my father was often very distant, preoccupied with himself, my mother was very cloistering and did everything she could to keep me close emotionally, not realizing that in both cases, I was being pushed away.

I’ve had to apologize to Jesus for transferring the anxiety, distrust and feelings of disapproval I’ve experienced and had with my parents to Him. He doesn’t deserve that because that is simply not who He is.

As I’m learning from the book, Gentle and Lowly, (which I’ll discuss more soon), the truth of the matter (based solidly on Scripture), is that Jesus loves us more than we can possibly know in this life. Moreover, He loves us from His “bowels” so to speak. It is who He is and what He naturally exhibits. He literally reaches out to us yearning to embrace us in spite of our issues, problems, failures and even our stupidity. It might not seem like that when we read the Old Testament Scriptures, but the fact remains that He is always reaching out to us. He always wants us to succeed by drawing close to Him.

Want proof? Consider your own body. Do you hate your body?  I doubt it. You probably care for it and try to do things that keep or get you healthy, right?

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church… (Ephesians 5:29)

Consider this other fact…WE are HIS Body. Think about that. If we are actually His Body, then it should be clear that Jesus nourishes and cherishes His own Body. Contemplate that. I hope to flesh this out more in an upcoming article.

Paul tells us in verse 30 that we as believers are members of His Body. When you are in pain, don’t you try to fix it? If you get cut or end up with a broken bone, don’t you get it taken care of medically? If we do that with our own body, how much more does Jesus take care of all the members of His Body (Christians)?

The idea that Jesus is waiting to remonstrate, castigate or disapprove of us is something that is not part of His nature. He longs to help us in our pain and frustration. The fact that I have spent years seeing Him as I saw my parents is wrong. I’m praying and looking to Scripture to see just how wrong I have been and praying that He will bring me well beyond this so that I can literally walk away from it. I want to see Jesus as He truly is. I want to know and understand just how much He loves me. Does He smile when He thinks of me or sees me? Does He want the best for me?

The other day, in church, as our pastor walked up the two stairs to the platform, I pictured Jesus sitting on those steps and me walking over to Him. I took a seat on the floor and looked up at Him. He looked at me and sincerely and compassionately asked, “Fred, how are you doing?” This was not a vision. It was my imagination, yet it concurs with Scripture because of how much He cares about you and me. He didn’t ask me because He wouldn’t have known. It was His way of drawing me out, telling me it was safe to share with him my deepest, darkest thoughts and concerns. He knows them already yet does not reject me.

Even when He chastises me, is it done with an attitude of remonstrance or love? Is the purpose to cut me down or build me up? Until I get this totally resolved, I will be of little use to anyone in ministry. If I cannot allow Him to get me beyond this so that I see Him truthfully, as He actually is, I will always see Him (and people in general), as I saw my parents.

The burden that we all carry is something He wants to remove. We have to actively participate in that through prayer, through growing understanding and through expectation. He wants what is only best for us and that begins in seeing Him as He truly is, not as we might think He is based on some faulty outlook we’ve gained from our parents or past experiences.

God is so good, yet I’m unable to comprehend it fully. But He wants me to move toward Him, forgetting what is behind (and what has unfortunately created my disposition), and pressing on toward the high calling we all have in Jesus Christ (Philippians 3:13-14).

Jesus wants us to be free of our past. He wants us to embrace Him as He is. He wants us to move toward Him without reservation and know that He and He alone is the very definition of love and acceptance. Once we begin to have that, we will then have something worthwhile to share with others who suffer as we have suffered. It won’t be just “words” to them. It will be experiential reality.

Theology and Politics from a Conservative, Biblical Perspective

Source: https://studygrowknowblog.com/2025/05/19/burdens-we-unnecessarily-carry/