Ooo La La: 5 Steps to Write Uncomfortable Scenes

For many authors, the most difficult type of scene to write (and write well) are sex scenes. However, any type of uncomfortable scene can feel awkward to write, as we may struggle with descriptions or complex emotions, or we may feel judged or ashamed of our writing, and all of that can make our writing and storytelling fall flat throughout the scene.

As a romance author, I’ve had to learn how to write sexy sex scenes. But no matter the type of author we are, these 5 steps can help us focus on what’s important with our storytelling so we can write through our discomfort.

Let’s look at how focusing on storytelling can make it easier to write uncomfortable (or otherwise difficult) scenes.

Step #1: Identify the Scene’s Storytelling Purpose

As many authors struggle to write sexy scenes, I’m going to focus on how these steps apply to sex scenes, but these same tips can work with any type of uncomfortable scene.

Unless we’re writing erotica, good writing means that we’re not gratuitously throwing in a sexy scene for titillation purposes. So the first step is identifying: What role does the scene play in our story?

Almost all stories include some measure of a plot arc and character/emotional arc(s). In non-romance stories, sexy scenes may play a role in either—or both—of those arcs. In romance stories, those scenes will play a role in both of those arcs and also play a role in the characters’ relationship arc.

So before writing the scene, we want to understand the purpose of the scene. How does the scene affect and change the plot, the characters, their emotional journey, and/or the romance or relationship?

If the scene doesn’t have a bigger purpose in our story, then it is just gratuitous titillation, and maybe it doesn’t belong in our story.

Goal: Once we understand how and why a scene is necessary and belongs in our story, some of our discomfort or reluctance to write the scene may disappear.

Step #2: Expand How the Scene Ties into the Story

Now that we know the scene’s big-picture purpose, we can develop the details to make the scene matter even more to the entire story. What changes during the scene? What are the turning points? What’s being revealed about the plot or characters? The scene must contain goals, motivations, and conflicts.

In other words, just like any scene, a good sex scene should have at least three reasons for existing:

• a plot point
• a character’s goal
• action to advance the plot
• action to increase the tension
• character development
• a cause of character conflict
• an effect of character conflict
• how stakes are raised
• a reinforcement of the stakes
• character motivation
• (a scene can also include bonus reasons of character backstory, world building, story theme, foreshadowing, the story’s tone or mood, etc.)

Goal: Like Step #1, ensuring the scene needs to be there for multiple reasons for the story to work can help reduce the embarrassment we feel when others read our words. We can be less defensive or feel less need to justify the scene if its purpose is self-evident.

Step #3: Determine the Reader Experience

Once we’re fully aware of how the scene fits in and affects the rest of our story, we can figure out the emotional touchpoints our writing will need to hit. We’ll know what emotional turning points we need to trigger with story events, and we’ll know what emotions we want readers to experience.

Usually, we don’t want readers to experience the discomfort we may feel when writing, so taking time to consciously think about the reader experience we want to create will help us get out of our head.

For sex scenes, all of that knowledge will help us determine how detailed our sex scenes need to be for us to show the characters’ emotional journeys and evoke the reader emotions we want.

In general, romance stories have strong emotional arcs, so our characters will likely experience an emotional turning point during an intimate scene. Whether they’re in the throes of power negotiations, reveling in the sense of connection, suffering from insecurities, cringing when something doesn’t go perfectly, etc., our characters can be an emotional mess due to the inherent vulnerability of intimacy.

Readers need to be aware of that emotional journey. But before we worry that “taking readers along” on that emotional journey means that we must write an open-door sex scene, let’s discuss the heat (or spicy) level of sexy scenes.

Heat level is a way to quantify the various aspects of intimacy on the page:

• the action (just kisses vs. kink, or anything in between),
• the description (summaries/subtextual hints vs. euphemistic language vs. explicit language), and
• the reader experience (fade-to-black/closed door sex scenes vs. along for the ride).

These aspects can be mixed and matched, so even a story with only kisses could include blush-worthy explicit details. That makes it hard to define how “spicy” a story is, especially as we all have different comfort levels.

However, if we keep the reader experience (and expectations) in mind, we’ll have a better idea of what we need to include to take readers along with our character’s emotional journey. For example:

• Reader Experience/Expectations – Spicy: Show the heroine’s epiphany of “I love him” at the *cough* climax of the scene.
• Reader Experience/Expectations – Sweet: Show the heroine’s epiphany of “I love him” when she decides to make love to her partner.

In other words, as long as all the needs of our story are met and readers experience the emotional journey, we can follow our instincts and genre/target audience expectations for the heat level.

Goal: Use genre expectations, our characters’ point of view, the story situation, and the target audience to determine how to best allow readers to see the journey of a character’s thought or emotional changes.

Step #4: Develop a Toolbox of Appropriate Words, Descriptions, and Emotions

No matter the type of scene we’re writing, we must learn the techniques, conventions, and reader expectations that fit our genre, story, and overall purposes.

To write a good sex scene, we must develop a writing toolbox of what words, descriptions, writing techniques, etc. will meet reader expectations. If we fail to do this step, our scene is more likely to squick readers out, cause inappropriate laughter, or otherwise break reader immersion—and no matter the type of scene, it’s never a good thing for readers to lose their sense of immersion.

For example, non-romance authors may inadvertently focus on the tab-A-slot-B types of description rather than the characters’ goals, conflicts, and motivations—their emotions—driving the scene. Or authors may use the word “moist” in a shudder-inducing way. And so on.

How do we develop this writing toolbox? We need to be familiar with our genre and other stories with similar types of scenes. That means sexy-scene authors need to read stories at a similar heat level to what their story requires them to write. Reviews, recommendations, or other authors can point us to well-written examples to explore.

Reading stories at the heat level of what we need to write (to do justice to the story, the characters, and their emotional journey) demonstrates how it can be done. We learn what words to use—and which ones not to use. We also learn the appropriate balance of physical, emotional, and mental description.

Goal: Get familiar with our genre and other stories so we can express our story’s needs in a way that will work for us, our characters, and our target audience.

Step #5: Focus on Our Character’s Point of View

The final step is obviously writing the scene, but before we start drafting an uncomfortable scene, we want to separate ourselves from distractions that will interfere with us deeply focusing on our character’s point of view. Getting into the right frame of mind for difficult scenes might mean music, headphones to block out kids squabbling behind us, writing from within our car, mood lighting, etc.

Once we’re able to focus, we want to zoom in to our character’s experience, especially their emotional journey. That narrow focus will help us ignore the discomfort or awkwardness of writing the scene.

For example, to avoid distractions or awkwardness when writing sex scenes, we might listen to sexy mood music on headphones, write from a character’s point of view that’s different from our gender (to escape from thoughts of how we’d experience events), and so on. Further, by focusing only on the character’s deep point of view and their emotional journey, we can better write what’s true to them.

Blocking out everything but our character’s point of view and emotional journey can help us get into a deep state of flow. When we’re able to write in deep flow, we’re more easily able to get out of our head and ignore all our overthinking, shame, worry, and awkward thoughts.

That narrow focus can also help us write the scene with a sense of authenticity that will give readers a genuine emotional experience. We’ll avoid sex cliches if we’re writing specific to our characters, with their background history, hangups, worries, desires, goals, internal conflict, fantasies, etc.

Sex scenes that “win” Bad Sex in Fiction awards tend to focus on visuals or physical descriptions. But in our real-life sexual encounters, we often don’t pay attention to those details. We’re thinking about sensations or experiencing emotions. So descriptions with a focus on sensory details—in addition to avoiding the awkwardness of tab-A-slot-B descriptions—will also feel more authentic (and tend to read as sexier too!).

Goal: Once we know the why (all the big picture and storytelling purposes of the scene), the what (the emotional touchpoints we want to hit for readers), and the how (the appropriate writing techniques, descriptions, and words), we can move those to the back of our mind and draft while we consciously think only with a narrow focus on our character’s experience.

While writing a sexy or otherwise uncomfortable scene may never be easy for us, we can change our focus and approach to minimize the issues that tend to make the drafting difficult. With practice and experience, we may find that we can actually become good at writing those types of scenes. *smile*

Want to see a breakdown of how these steps apply to a sex scene (in PG-13 details)? Check out Jami’s companion post!

Have you struggled with writing sexy or other types of intimate scenes? What makes a scene uncomfortable for you to write? Do these steps help you focus on how to make the scene work despite the difficulties? Do you have any questions about how to overcome discomfort when writing tricky scenes?

Summary for Busy Writers: Many writers struggle to draft scenes that feel awkward to write, and high on that list is writing sex scenes. But no matter the type of scene, these 5 steps help us focus on the what, why, and how to write uncomfortable scenes.

The post Ooo La La: 5 Steps to Write Uncomfortable Scenes appeared first on WRITERS HELPING WRITERS®.

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Source: https://writershelpingwriters.net/2026/03/write-uncomfortable-scenes/