If someone uses these 7 subtle phrases in a conversation, they’re trying to use guilt to control you

From the Personal Branding Blog

“Ever walked away from a conversation feeling guilty, even when you knew you hadn’t done anything wrong?

It can be a bewildering and disheartening experience.

The truth is, some people have a knack for using guilt as a tool to control and manipulate others.

And they do it so subtly that you might not even realize what’s happening.

But here’s the good news.

Once you’re aware of their tactics, you can take control of the situation.

In this article, I’m going to share with you seven subtle phrases that people often use to induce guilt.

So, if you’ve ever wondered “Why do I feel guilty after talking to this person?” or “Is this person trying to control me?”, this article could be your first step towards understanding and reclaiming your emotional autonomy.”

1) “You always…”

Let’s start with this one—it’s a classic.

The phrase “You always…” is often used to make sweeping generalizations about someone’s behavior.

It’s a subtle way of saying “You’re consistently disappointing me” or “You’re constantly making mistakes”.

Imagine hearing “You always forget to call me” or “You always make a mess”.

These statements are designed to make you feel guilty for your perceived shortcomings, and they paint you as the villain in the scenario.

But here’s a little secret: nobody ‘always’ does anything.

We all have our good days and our bad days, our highs and our lows.

Don’t let anyone use this phrase to box you into a corner.

It’s okay to make mistakes – we’re all human after all.

Instead of feeling guilty, try to address the specific issue at hand without letting the guilt weigh you down.

2) “If you really cared…”

This one hits close to home.

A few years ago, I had a friend who would often use the phrase “If you really cared…”.

It’s a phrase that’s designed to make you question your feelings and actions towards the person speaking.

For example, she’d say things like “If you really cared about our friendship, you’d make more time for me”.

This made me feel guilty about my busy schedule and my inability to hang out as often as she’d like.

But here’s what I learned:

Guilt should never be the driving force behind your actions.

If someone uses this phrase to manipulate you, remember that your feelings and intentions are valid.

Don’t let anyone use guilt to make you second-guess yourself or your priorities.

You have the right to set boundaries and make decisions based on what’s best for you.

3) “After everything I’ve done for you…”

I’m sure you’ve heard this one before. I certainly have.

And it stings.

The phrase “After everything I’ve done for you…” is a guilt-trip express train.

It’s designed to make you feel indebted, obligated to return the favor, and guilty if you don’t.

I once had a colleague who’d always remind me of the time he helped me with a project when I was swamped with work.

Every time he needed a favor, he’d say “After everything I’ve done for you, you can’t even do this for me?”

It made me feel like I owed him something, even though the favour was given unconditionally—or so I thought.

But here’s what we need to remember:

Help offered with strings attached isn’t genuine help, it’s manipulation in disguise.

It’s okay to accept help, but it’s also okay to say no to unreasonable demands made under the guise of payback.

You don’t owe anyone anything for their acts of kindness.

They chose to help; you don’t choose to be indebted.

4) “I’m disappointed in you…”

This one is a heavy hitter.

The phrase “I’m disappointed in you…” carries a lot of weight.

It’s a subtle way of saying “You failed to meet my expectations”, and it’s designed to make you feel guilty and inadequate.

A former boss of mine was notorious for using this phrase.

If a project didn’t go exactly as planned or if I made a minor mistake, I’d hear those dreaded words: “I’m disappointed in you.”

It made me feel like I was walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid disappointing him and feeling guilty when I inevitably did.

But here’s the truth: nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.

It’s important to remember that one person’s disappointment doesn’t define your worth or abilities.

Your value isn’t tied to someone else’s expectations of you.

Learn from your mistakes, but don’t let the fear of disappointment control your actions.

5) “Everyone else agrees with me…”

This phrase is a master manipulator’s dream.

The statement “Everyone else agrees with me…” is a classic tactic used to corner you into agreeing or complying.

It’s a way of saying “You’re the odd one out”, and it’s designed to make you feel guilty for holding a different opinion or making a different choice.

Interestingly, psychologists call this ‘social proof’ – the idea that we determine what’s correct by finding out what others think is correct.

It’s a powerful persuasion tool, but it can be misused to manipulate feelings of guilt.

If someone says to you, “Everyone else agrees with me that you shouldn’t go to that party”, it can make you question your decision and feel guilty for wanting to do something contrary to the group consensus.

But here’s the deal: you’re entitled to your own opinions and decisions!

Just because others might think or choose differently, doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

Don’t let anyone use ‘social proof’ to guilt-trip you into conformity.

Stand firm in your beliefs and choices, they’re as valid as anyone else’s.

6) “I thought you were different…”

This phrase can cut deep.

When someone says “I thought you were different…”, it’s a sneaky way of saying “You’ve let me down”.

It’s designed to make you feel guilty for not living up to their idealized image of you.

I remember a friend once telling me this when I couldn’t accompany her on a trip because of a work commitment.

She said, “I thought you were different, but you’re just like everyone else, always putting work first.”

It hurt, and yes, it made me feel guilty.

But here’s what I want to tell you:

You’re not responsible for other people’s expectations of you.

You have your own life, your own commitments, and your own priorities.

It’s important to make choices that are right for you, even if they disappoint others.

7) “You’re being selfish…”

This phrase is a real zinger.

When someone accuses you of being selfish, it’s a manipulative tactic designed to make you feel guilty for putting your own needs first.

It’s often used in situations where you’re setting boundaries, making decisions for your own well-being, or simply saying no.

The person using this phrase wants to make you feel guilty for not prioritizing their needs over your own.

But here’s the absolute, most important thing you should remember:

Taking care of your own needs isn’t selfish; it’s necessary.

Don’t let anyone guilt you into believing otherwise.

You have every right to make choices that benefit your well-being and happiness without feeling guilty about it.

Final thoughts

Guilt is a powerful emotion, and when used manipulatively, it can be incredibly destructive.

If you’ve recognized any of these subtle phrases in your conversations, you’re not alone.

Many of us have been made to feel guilty or manipulated at some point or another.

But acknowledging this is the first step towards breaking free.

Remember, you have the right to say no, to set boundaries, and to prioritize your own needs. Don’t let anyone use guilt to control or define you.

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