8 phrases narcissists will use to hurt you but pass it off as “joking”

From the Personal Branding Blog

The unfortunate truth is that we can’t always avoid narcissists. Whether they’re coworkers, family members, or even friends of friends, they often find their way into our lives in one form or another.

And when they do, their manipulative behavior can be difficult to spot, especially when they disguise it as harmless banter.

However, while we can’t escape them entirely, we do have the power to educate ourselves on their tactics.

By recognizing their common phrases and behaviors, we can better prepare ourselves to handle their remarks, protect our boundaries, and maintain our sense of self-worth.

Let’s explore 8 common phrases narcissists use to hurt you while passing it off as harmless humor.

1) “Calm down, I was only joking!”

This is a classic phrase used by narcissists to deflect responsibility for their hurtful comments.

They may deliver a cutting remark or belittling joke, then when you react, they quickly retreat behind the shield of humor. Despite your feelings being hurt, they insist, “Calm down, I was only joking!”

The intention behind this is twofold.

Firstly, it allows them to express their disdain or criticism without any repercussions. Secondly, it makes you question your own reaction and feelings. You might wonder if you’re too sensitive or lack a sense of humor.

But remember, it’s not about your sense of humor or sensitivity level. It’s about the narcissist’s lack of empathy and refusal to take responsibility for their words.

Don’t let them twist the narrative – your feelings are valid and you have a right to express them without being dismissed as overreacting.

2) “You’re just too sensitive”

Believe it or not, this phrase is actually a form of gaslighting, a manipulation tactic narcissists use to make you doubt your own feelings and perceptions.

By telling you that you’re “too sensitive,” they’re effectively shifting the blame onto you for feeling hurt or upset by their comments.

They might say this after making a hurtful comment disguised as a joke. When you react, they respond with “You’re just too sensitive,” implying that the issue isn’t with their harmful words, but with your reaction to them.

But here’s the thing: it’s not about being too sensitive. It’s about them making inappropriate comments and refusing to acknowledge the impact of their words.

So, don’t let them undermine your feelings or perceptions. Your reactions are justified, and it’s okay to stand up for yourself when someone hurts you, even – or especially – when they try to pass it off as a joke.

3) “Can’t you take a joke?”

Narcissists often resort to this phrase after they’ve said something hurtful or offensive, passing it off as humor.

When their words are called into question, they deflect by suggesting that you lack a sense of humor.

The underlying message here is that the problem lies with you, not with them. It’s a classic deflection technique designed to divert attention away from their inappropriate behavior.

What’s interesting is that humor requires empathy – understanding how someone else might feel in a given situation. For a joke to be truly funny, it needs to resonate with others, not hurt them.

However, narcissists struggle with empathy, which is why their ‘jokes’ can often come off as cruel or insensitive.

So the next time a narcissist asks if you can’t take a joke, remember that a good joke isn’t supposed to make anyone feel bad.

4) “I didn’t mean it like that”

This is a phrase you might often hear from a narcissist after they’ve made a hurtful comment. They use this line to shift the blame onto you, implying that you’ve misunderstood their words or intentions.

In reality, this is their way of evading responsibility for their hurtful words. They want to make it seem like it’s your fault for taking their ‘joke’ the wrong way.

Remember, it’s okay to feel hurt and it’s important to express how you feel.

You’re not overreacting or misunderstanding. You’re simply responding to their words as they’ve been presented to you.

5) “I was just teasing”

We’ve all been there: a friend or loved one makes a seemingly harmless joke, but it stings a little more than it should.

When confronted, they brush it off saying, “I was just teasing.”

Teasing, in the context of a narcissist’s language, is often their way of making critical or hurtful remarks while avoiding accountability. It’s an attempt to minimize the impact of their words and make you feel as though you’re overreacting.

But here’s something to keep in mind: healthy teasing is usually mutual, light-hearted, and stops when someone feels uncomfortable.

If the ‘teasing’ feels one-sided and consistently makes you feel bad, it’s not teasing anymore – it’s disrespect.

6) “You know I love you, right?”

This is a phrase that narcissists often use after delivering a sharp comment or insensitive joke. The line is typically thrown in as a disclaimer, as if their declaration of love should override any hurt they’ve just caused.

For instance, imagine a partner who constantly makes fun of your career choices in front of friends, dismissing your dreams as unrealistic or silly.

When you confront them about it, they might say something like, “Oh come on, you know I love you, right?” as if this statement justifies their belittling comments.

But love isn’t about making someone feel small or insignificant. It’s about respect, understanding, and support.

So, when someone uses the phrase “You know I love you, right?” to excuse their hurtful behavior, remember that love should never be used as a cover-up for disrespect or cruelty.

7) “You need to lighten up”

This phrase is often used by narcissists to make you feel like you’re the one with the problem, not them.

They’ll make a joke at your expense, and when you don’t laugh or show displeasure, they’ll tell you to “lighten up”.

Well here’s the hard truth: You don’t need to lighten up. They need to shape up.

Your feelings are valid, and they matter. If a comment or joke hurts or offends you, you have every right to express that.

You’re not being too serious or lacking a sense of humor. You’re setting boundaries and expecting respect.

8) “I’m just being honest”

Narcissists often use this phrase to justify their hurtful words.

They might make a disparaging comment about your appearance, your choices, or your personality, and when you react, they’ll defend themselves by saying they’re “just being honest”.

But there’s a huge difference between honesty and cruelty.

Constructive criticism can be helpful, but it should always be delivered with tact and respect. Using honesty as an excuse to be mean is not okay.

No matter what someone else says or how they try to justify their words, your feelings are valid and important. Stand up for yourself, and don’t let anyone disguise their hurtful words as jokes or honesty.

Conclusion

Narcissists thrive on manipulation, and their ability to disguise hurtful comments as jokes makes it even harder to defend against them.

By recognizing the common phrases they use, you can start to protect yourself from their subtle attacks.

You never have to accept a narcissist’s “jokes” at face value. With awareness and the right tools, you can navigate these interactions with confidence and take control of how you respond.

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