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Michael Jackson not in heaven, Google says. Secret google project results leaked.

Monday, December 9, 2013 19:00

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From Future News Now. Website here.

A google development team has come up with an algorithm with a high accuracy rate which can predict the probability of someone going to heaven or not. The google researchers had been working in secrecy on several ”google mystery barges” which have been in the news lately. Phoney cover stories had been released to hide what was really going on. The team members were not allowed off the barge, and they were kept incommunicado, with all mobile devices confiscated.

With the project now over, one researcher, who wishes to remain anonymous, has disclosed some of what happened on the mystery barges, and some of what the new algorithm can do.

Besides the expected computer engineers and programmers that you would expect, google also employed numerous mediums. The mediums role on the team was to contact certain deceased people to find out if they were in heaven, and to enlist expert help from the other side.

Steve Jobs was an important part of the project, and apparently his contributions shortened the project by several months. But his fans will be disappointed to learn that he was not in heaven.

The algorithm is extremely complex. It includes up to ten thousand bits of data for each person. Some of the most important data includes credit scores, tidiness, voting records, charitable contributions, concern for the environment and frequency of smiles. Factors which lowered scores were speeding tickets, bankruptcy and kicking dogs. The anonymous source stressed that all ten thousand odd bits of data were needed for accurate predictions. With all data in, an accuracy level of 99.5783% is claimed.

They ran numerous tests, and some of the results were very surprising.

For instance there is only a 96.7% chance that Mother Theresa is in heaven. By comparison, there is a 99.5% chance that Joe DiMaggio is in heaven.

With most data factored in, a person will usually get an initial score which is over 100%. Then to complete the algorithm, ”take away”factors are included in the calculations.

An example was it initially looked like Michael Jackson would be in heaven for sure. But he lost points because he never disclosed that he copied the moon walk from someone else. His score dropped a lot further when they applied the pedifile penalty.

The research team was not privy to the intended uses of this research by upper management. However, rumours circulated that google would start charging fees ranging from $10,000 to over a million dollars, to people who wanted to find out what the odds were of them going to heaven. The rates would be determined by the net worth of the individual, which google knows of course.

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Comments

Total 8 comments

UberNuts

For goodness sake!

Dec 9, 2013, 7:06 pm 0 Reply
freedom007

Google trying to read God´s mind? what a nonsense.
More ridiculous even than the most naive kinds of superstition!
“The world sees the exterior – God sees the heart.”

And mediums … what kind of mediums will sell themselves to a software and data MNC? If I were a SERIOUS medium I would reject all such temptations and work for PEOPLE instead.

Dec 10, 2013, 5:49 am 0 Reply
Anonamoos in the hoose

What a crock of nonsense, they obviously know nothing about Mother Theresa. Bet they never factored in her water starvation for quick death. For anybody to pay for such a service would have to have a few screws loose themselves.

Dec 10, 2013, 6:09 am 0 Reply
KingOfTheCamp

bankruptcy sends you to hell hey,lol

Dec 10, 2013, 10:33 am 0 Reply
Millennium

This article is pure BULLSHAT!!!!!

Dec 10, 2013, 3:03 pm 0 Reply
iamamerican

What a crock! So Google thinks it’s God now?

Dec 10, 2013, 4:57 pm 0 Reply
Jerry

Hahahahahaha!!!!

WAFKNJOKE!

Dec 11, 2013, 4:42 pm 0 Reply
RMS

An algorithm for the “after-life”? Mediums employed? What mediums?
If there was a prime example of “technological superstition”, this is it!
Oh wait, sorry, this is the same “techno-superstition” used for “global warming”.

Dec 12, 2013, 12:13 am 0 Reply

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