Whisky Tango Foxtrot (WTF) is up with the butt-naked Zombies?

So Truth Is Stanger than Fiction, but this is way out! I’m sure that I have seen every last zombie movie ever made… from Vincent Price’s “Last Man on Earth” to “Night of the living dead” to “The Serpent and the Rainbow” to ‘Dawn of the Dead” to “I am Legend” (the book by this name started the now genre) and the entire “Resident Evil” franchise and I’ll be damned if any of the zombies were naked! Maybe they had torn clothing, but like their flesh, it was still hanging in taters from their walking corpses. (List of all Zombie Movies here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_zombie_films)

I’m sorry, but while I am perfectly comfortable with clothed or partially clothed zombies, but naked zombies somehow make me a little uneasy. Sure, there were plenty of Sexploitation films that had zombies in the plot, and sure, in those flicks, there may have been some T&A shots (mostly of the buxom intended victims of said zombies), however, I do not recall any full-frontally-nude-zombies.

Now, go ahead and call me a Homo-Zombie-Phobic, but I just am not ready to deal with some zombiefied dude coming at me with his tool all hanging out… trying to de-pants me (like the first case in Florida) whilst chewing on my face. I mean really, what could be worse? I have known a few women that approximated zombie-like traits and never in my wildest fantasies did I ever undress them in my imagination. But celibacy has had its benefits; I don’t need to undress non-zombie women with my mind either!

Also, the bad news about these friggin naked zombies is that the are “Fast” Zombies ( as in 28 Days later & I Am Legend) and they can scoot pretty good for the walking dead. Apparently, some of these naked zombies also exhibit “Ninja-like” qualities (see the youtube video “Naked Indiana Man Attacks 3 Cops ‘Ninja Style’, Escapes After Being Continuously Tasered” @ http://youtu.be/GlJh0K0TE4I) and are resistant to gunfire – the Florida Face Eating Naked Dude was plugged 12 times before he stopped with the face chewing – and also, they are resistant to tasering?? (what kind of a moron is thinking a taser will work on the walking dead anyway??).

There is some small bit of “Good News” here though, and that is that they are friggin Naked and so therefore easy to spot! If a naked man is coming at you, or a group of naked people coming at you, I say “Green Light!” and start shooting! It is pretty easy to discern nakedness at a block or two away and if you have a scope on that rifle, even further. You can knock ‘em down at a distance.

Sorry if I offended any Nudists, but hey, these are trying times and you nudists may want to keep your kit on for the foreseeable future to keep from being accidentally mistaken for zombies and shot.

Den

www.veryantisocial.com