It’s me, Joe Biden, taking official actions to protect U.S. democracy

Hi, my fellow Americans. Welcome to 2025.

It’s me, your favorite President, Kamala Harris, here in the Oval Office, doing “official actions” to save American democracy and all you Americans.

Before I jailed Trump and Vance, I checked with the Supreme Court. Someone who tries to overthrow the government, subvert our elections, and who admits he would be a dictator “for one day” is an enemy of America.

So, it is part of a President’s “official actions” and “core constitutional powers” as “explicitly stated in Article II of the Constitution” to get rid of America’s enemies.

Clarence Thomas, Sam Alito, John Roberts, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, and Amy Coney Barrett all agreed. 

However, those Justices wanted to make Biden, Trump and me kings??! In the Revolutionary War, Americans died to get rid of a king. These Justices are crazy or simply traitors. Either way, they are a threat to America,

So I locked them up, too.

And listen, Thomas and Alito were the wrong people to make laws about what’s just and moral in America, seeing as how they are proven liars and criminals. The other four lied too, when asked about Roe, in order to get their nominations, so good riddance.

Finally, there are the Christian nationalist nut-cases in Congress and the conspiracy theorists of FoxNews, et al. As a riff on the old joke goes, “Take Marjorie Taylor Greene, please.” I may have to pop a few of them off to the hoosegow, too, so we can get things done around here.

We have three honest Justices, which is plenty, but I may nominate a couple more. There’s nothing magical about nine, and recent history shows that having nine doesn’t assure honesty, impartiality, and common sense.

Now that we have rid ourselves of what I, as President, consider traitors, we can proceed to do what’s needed to help America.

My first step will be to get rid of the Electoral College. It is, by far, the most unfair, stupid voting system anyone can imagine.

If you were told to come up with a system that denied the vast majority of Americans the right to elect a President, you could not do better than invent the Electoral College.

To win, a candidate needs 270 electoral votes. The projection from last July is shown in this graph.

If at that time you lived in any of the bright red or bright blue states, you probably were tempted to stay home for the election.

You must have figured your vote for President wouldn’t count.

If you voted in a pale red or pale blue state, you may have thought your Presidential vote might not count, either.

Those relatively few of you who live in Arizona, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and perhaps one or two other states must have rightly figured you’ll be the ones who decide on the next President.

We’ve actually had several elections where the person who got the fewer votes was named President: John Quincy Adams, Rutheford B. Hayes, Benjamin Harrison, George W. Bush, and yes, you guessed it, Donald Trump.

He lost the popular vote to Hillary Clinton by an astounding 2.8 million votes. And this is the guy who lost to Biden by more than 7 million votes and immediately began to whine that he really won.

It’s sad to watch an old fool cry like a baby. It also is nuts. Why should a relative handful of voters decide on the President while the vast majority of you have no say at all?

I will give every American an equal say in who our next President will be. We’ll have a national election, and the person receiving the majority of votes will win. If no one has a majority, we’ll have a runoff between the two highest vote-getters.

It’ll be simple and it’ll be fair.

Next, we’ll restore Roe vs. Wade and make it the law of the land. It’s what the majority of Americans want. Why should the Christian nationalist minority rule the rest of us?

We also will pass some sensible gun control laws that the majority wants. No more “bump stocks” that turn rifles into machine guns. No more AR-15 and AK-45 military-grade, high-velocity rifles firing bullets that rip people to shreds, even with glancing shots.

That’s why they are the mass murderer’s weapons of choice. If you want any sort of gun, you’ll need to get a title and pass a test, like you need for a car.

And for sure, allowing geezers like me to have guns without any supervision is just plain nuts. Here, you can have mine.

Next, we will revise Medicare to cover everyone in America, regardless of age.

It will be a no-deductible, comprehensive program that covers everything, including custodial, long-term, and skilled care, services outside the U.S., equipment at home (hospital beds, crutches, other ambulatory devices, routine physical checkups, eye examinations, eyeglasses, hearing aids, dental services, foot care services, and supportive devices, all pharmaceuticals, including those to treat anorexia, weight loss, or weight gain, and fertility drugs.

Why should these medical services be denied to the poor and middle classes but available to the rich? Are the poor and middle classes supposed to be 2nd-class citizens?

And we’ll get rid of the FICA tax. The federal government, being Monetarily Sovereign, can create infinite dollars to pay for anything. FICA is the most regressive tax in America, serving no purpose other than to limit the benefits that should go to all Americans. 

We also will give Social Security benefits to everyone, regardless of age. No one should go hungry or homeless in a nation where some have billions and the government has infinite money.

Social Security benefits will not be subject to income tax. That SS tax is surely one of the worst ideas ever conceived. 

We’ll revise the income tax laws to exempt all those whose annual income is below real (inflation adjusted) one million inflation dollars and we’ll count as income all those tax loopholes the rich now enjoy. Goodbye company cars, apartments, yachts, foreign homes, company airplane flights, etc.

We also will count as income some of the more esoteric tax dodges, such as real estate step-ups, depreciation, pass-throughs, 1031 exchanges, GRATs, offshore accounts, like-kind exchanges, carried interest, and all sorts of capital gains tricks. used by the rich.

States, counties, and cities will be prohibited from levying those obnoxious, regressive sales and property taxes. 

Instead, every state will receive from the federal government a monthly, per-capita stipend to fund elementary and secondary education, public welfare (which includes most Medicaid spending), higher education, health and hospitals, highways and roads, criminal justice (which includes spending on police, corrections, and courts), and housing and community development..

The advantages are:

1. The poor and middle classes will be relieved of these onerous tax burdens.

2. When the states, counties, and cities pay for things no new dollars are created in their economies. The money is just shifted from some taxpayers to others.   

 However, new growth dollars are added to the economy when the federal government pays.

Provide supplementary funding to all schools, K-16+ advanced, based on their student count and full-time teachers.

We will create a program called “Educate All,” which will resemble Medicare, except it will cover college expenses: Tuition, books and supplies, housing, and transportation. It will even pay students a salary to help those families that depend on their young people working.

As is the case with Medicare’s doctors and hospitals, some universities may wish to opt out of Collegecare, but they will not receive supplementary funding.

Anyhow, I’m young, strong, and I’ll kick that blathering, doddering old fool’s butt if he keeps complaining from jail. Or I may send in Seal Team 6 to finishe the job.

Or, I might do it myself. As you can see, I am ready, and Trump’s Supreme  Court said it would be OK.

Ah, the irony.

Sincerely, 

President Kamela Harris