The Debate You Didn’t Hear

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Last evening Donald Trump and Kamala Harris stood before the American people… and debated.

In an alternate reality, here is what transcribed.

MODERATOR: Mr. Trump, before the pandemic you were spending record amounts of money and running up the national debt. Explain yourself.

DONALD TRUMP: I never said I was Paul Ryan. I was a Democrat from New York City for most of my life. I found an issue that resonated with minions of Americans. That was immigration and the wall. That’s what got me elected. I was as surprised as you were, buh-lieve me. Anyway, you don’t get elected promising spending cuts.

MODERATOR: You also said you’re a low interest rate guy. Does that mean you want the Fed to artificially suppress interest rates?

TRUMP: If it helps me get reelected, of course. Why wouldn’t I? Plus, I’m a real estate guy, the best real estate guy. An amazing real estate guy, the greatest. And low interest rates are good for business, so yes.

MODERATOR: Thank you, Mr. Trump.

Vice President Harris, before 2020, the federal government never spent more than $4.4 trillion in any year. Under your administration, the government never spent less than $6 trillion and the outgoing president, whose nomination you stole — sorry, were awarded — proposed a $7.3 trillion budget for 2025.

Will you continue these spending levels?

KAMALA HARRIS: Thank you for the question. Yes, of course I will spend as much as Joe Biden, if not more. I’m a Democrat after all. I mean, that’s what we do, right? (Cackling, head shaking side to side, hands thrown in the air.). We spend a lot of money. And the more, the better. We just call it investing in America, that’s all. And people fall for it.

MODERATOR: But look at all the inflation we’ve experienced under your administration. Don’t you think that massive amount of spending fueled that inflation?

HARRIS: No. You see, we passed something called the Inflation Reduction Act. We passed the Inflation Reduction Act, and inflation was reduced. OK? Voila! (More cackling, more head-shaking, more hand-waving.) We refused to be unburdened by what has been.

MODERATOR: It’s funny you mention that, Ms. Vice President. Just the other day Joe Biden admitted that the Inflation Reduction Act had nothing to do with reducing inflation and that the administration should have been honest about that and said what it really was. How do you respond to that?

HARRIS: Well, Joe had a senior moment. He had a senior moment. He accidentally let the truth out, which is exactly why he had to go. You just never know when he’s going to slip up. So that’s what happened.

MODERATOR: So how long did you know that Biden was mentally unfit to remain in office?

HARRIS: J-o-e B-i-d-e-n… is a great president who has done enormous good for the country. OK? We should all thank him for his incredible public service. All of us.

MODERATOR: Thank you, Ms. Vice President. I think.

Mr. Trump, you want to impose high tariffs on foreign goods, especially from China. Almost all economists agree that high tariffs end up hurting the people they’re supposed to help because they make goods more expensive. How do you respond to that?

TRUMP: In my first term, we had the best economy ever. Everyone agrees, it was unbelievable. Unbelievable. We brought manufacturing jobs home. She wants to ship them all to… CHINA.

MODERATOR: But Mr. Trump, the record is clear. The U.S. lost manufacturing jobs on your watch. And the trade deficit, which should have decreased if your policies worked, actually increased. How do you explain that?

TRUMP: Fake news. It’s fake news, that’s all. Everybody knows it, and you should be ashamed of yourself for repeating it. Really, you should.

MODERATOR: Ms. Vice President, you’ve released specific economic proposals you say will help the American people. Much of it involves taxing the wealthy to subsidize the middle and lower classes. Do you think the wealthy will take it or find clever ways to hide their money from you? They have very clever accountants. Please explain yourself.

HARRIS: Look, the most popular thing a politician can do is promise to go after the wealthy. OK? Who cares if it actually works? I-t d-o-e-s-n’-t m-a-t-t-e-r. I just have to get elected.

MODERATOR: Ms. Vice President, you were considered the most liberal senator, even more so than Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren. How do you plan on selling your extreme record to the American people?

HARRIS: Listen. Have you been listening to me? I’m coming across as a moderate. A moderate. I mean, if you listen to me speak, you’d think I was a Republican like George W. Bush or John McCain (Cackling again, in disbelief that the American people could fall for it).

TRUMP: You’re a LIAR.

MODERATOR: Please, Mr. Trump, do not interrupt. Please wait your turn.

TRUMP: But she is! She’s Kama Kama Kama Kama Chameleon. That’s my new name for her. Isn’t it great? It’s so true. So true. She is, you know.

MODERATOR: Mr. Trump, please follow the rules or I’ll have no choice but to cut off your microphone.

Now turning to you, Mr. Trump, do you want Ukraine to win its war with Russia?

TRUMP: Who cares who wins? Who cares? Putin’s a tough guy. Really tough guy. But I told him that I’d hit Moscow hard if he pissed me off. And they call me a Putin stooge! I threaten to hit him hard and they call me a Putin stooge. Can you believe it? The whole Russiagate thing was a hoax. It’s disgraceful. Absolutely disgraceful. I’m still waiting for an apology from you, by the way.

MODERATOR: Mr. Trump, you’ve criticized Vice President Harris for risking nuclear war with Russia. By threatening to hit Moscow hard, aren’t you risking the same thing?

TRUMP: You’ve gotta be tough! You’ve gotta be tough with these people. I know these people. I’ve dealt with Putin. I’ve dealt with Xi. I’ve dealt with… Rocket Man. OK? You’ve gotta be tough with these people. Real tough.

MODERATOR: Ms. Vice President, you’ve pledged to do “whatever it takes” to help Ukraine defeat Russia. Is there any limit to what you’d be willing to do to defeat Russia?

HARRIS: We must stand together against Russian aggression and to preserve democracy in Ukraine. That’s who we are. That’s what we do.

TRUMP: You don’t even support democracy at home. You threw away the votes of 14 minion people who voted for Joe. If you believed in democracy you would have had an open convention in Chicago last month. Whoever got the most delegates would have won the nomination. But no, they installed you. And they say I’m a threat to democracy! Are you kidding? I mean, really.

MODERATOR: That’s it, Mr. Trump. You’ve been warned. I’m turning off your microphone. (Trump continues speaking, inaudibly, visibly disturbed.) Please continue, Ms. Vice President.

HARRIS:  If we don’t stop Putin in Ukraine, he won’t stop there. He’ll take Poland next, then the Baltic states. Who knows, he might even take Vladivostok. I mean Vladimir, Vladivostok. Get it? (Once again cackling and gesticulating.)

MODERATOR: Ms. Vice President, are you willing to go to nuclear war with Russia over Ukraine?

HARRIS: We will do… whatever it takes. OK? Whatever it takes.

MODERATOR: Including nuclear war?

HARRIS: (Once again cackling, only more intensely) As FDR said — or was it JFK — LBJ? We will bear any burden. That’s right, we will bear any burden. We will not be burdened… by what has been. OK? We won’t be.

MODERATOR: Mr. Trump, do you have anything to say in conclusion? No? Good, thank you for appearing here tonight. (Trump shrieks into a muted microphone, desperate, face turning increasingly red.)

MODERATOR: Vice President Harris, do you have a concluding statement?

HARRIS: We can only conclude where we began.

MODERATOR: And that is?

HARRIS: Wherever… we began. Wherever we began. Wherever that was. (More cackling, more hand movements.)

MODERATOR: Thank you very much, Ms. Vice President. Good night, ladies and gentlemen.

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