A Not-So-Happy Hour & Doorway Amnesia

Rhonda suggested “Happy Hour” with Cat, me, and Reese’s roomie/friend Sheila– who is staying with Rhonda for a while. I know we were both looking forward to it, or at least I thought Cat was…

We arrived at almost the same time to the Mexican restaurant where we used to go once a month to Happy Hour for cheap margaritas and food. Cat was such a regular that she has a favorite waitress and everything. But we didn’t do it as often in the last couple of years, and we all admitted we missed it.

We went in and sat down, and it was clear everyone was just… tired. I mean, Sheila is staying with Rhonda because she and Reese got evicted from their apartment after the roomie they gave their rent to apparently kept it and didn’t pay rent– for 5 months in a row! Then she didn’t tell them she got the notice until there were only 3 weeks left. And THEN she had them “vacate voluntarily” so they wouldn’t have an eviction on their record, but didn’t tell them that meant they only had a week left to get out. She just took some of her things and left– a massive mess. Reese was so mad she was worried she’d do something stupid and need bail money if that tells you anything!

So the tired from the other two ladies was obvious. I asked a few questions and gave sympathy and we all ordered. But in between other people talking, Cat was starkly silent. Beyond a couple of quick comments in passing, she was often hunched over, or rubbing her eyes, which is her “tell” for “overwhelmed”. Several times Rhonda asked if she was okay, and I wanted to tell her, “NO!” but wisely refrained.

After just one drink and a little food, we left again within an hour. The shortest Ladies Happy Hour we’ve ever had! I found myself making statements to cover for Cat’s mood and lack of engagement, like, “Yeah, I think it’s just been that kind of week for all of us!”

But one small thing helped. Another perspective on a recent issue I’m having.

I brought up my terrible memory over the last few weeks, like only since mid-January or so and how I was worried about myself. I’m often a little “out-of-it”, but lately it’s been so bad I’ve worried I’m getting early onset dementia. We all experience sometimes going from one room to another and forgetting what it was we wanted, right? Yes! Sure! Okay– imagine THAT only 700 times worse.

Lately, it’s like my life has become extremely compartmentalized literally. When I leave my room to go do something, the moment I close the door, I pretty much forget what I was doing in my room. If I manage to recall what it is I set out to do, I then get into whatever I’m doing and forget about it the moment I enter my room again. I get the same problem going from outside the house to inside the house, or vice versa. A few times, I’ve actually found myself wandering around my house in kind of a daze, just forgetting everything as I move around! If there’s something I’m supposed to remember and it’s not a part of my daily routine–? It’s a fucking miracle to keep it in my conscious life! I have reminders and even alarms to go off to remind me to look at my reminders, and sometimes it’s not enough. I’m in a state of constant surprise as thing after thing pops up that I totally “spaced” yet again.

And Sheila speaks up matter-of-factly upon hearing this, and says, “Yeah, that’s doorway amnesia, and it’s from Complex PTSD. I know, because I have it, and with all the bullshit with the recent eviction crap, I’ve caught myself staring at walls for 10 minutes at a time!”

She was sitting next to me, and I literally grabbed her arm and said, “Yes! I have C-PTSD and that’s what my therapist said, but it’s hard to believe sometimes and I’m sorry if you’re dealing with this too, but you just made me feel a thousand times better! Oh my god!“

Seriously, though– she did help me immensely. It’s one thing to hear theory from a therapist, and another to hear from someone who deals with the exact same type of thing directly. Let alone super recently!

The same thing happened last year during my “busy” abduction season, then it went away not long after the abductions ended for the year. This year, despite the fact I’m not actually SCARED of the aliens these days, my body just automatically goes into “danger, Will Robinson, danger” mode as soon as things amp up again. The doorway amnesia has only been extra bad since the middle of January, which is right when things started up again. My body and brain are just shutting things down and ultra-compartmentalizing to preserve my sanity. But a part of me gets very fucking worried when my basic functioning narrative memory takes a hike for simple things like leaving my room to use the toilet. I’m fine for the hours in my room, brain is working– and then I lose it just opening and shutting a door? Like, REALLY!?

So Sheila’s statement reassured me deeply, to the point I started crying and laughing a little at the same time in relief!

Soon after that, Cat drove me home in silence again. A part of me thinks amnesia might be better explained when I have to deal with her shit on top of the alien shit. I mean– read that last sentence again. How the fuck I function at all if this shit is even remotely true is the real question.

At least I know my semi-functional sort-of normal-ish memory should return again once this latest VIBE season is over. Because in the meantime–? YIKES.

Source: https://lucretiasheart.livejournal.com/1727229.html