Lost My Support Group

This has been a rough week!

Sunday, Josie announced to my support group that she has to dissolve the support group! She’s caring for two parents with dementia on weekends and can’t spare even the 2 hours once a month (and the mental bandwidth that goes with it) any more for the foreseeable future. She hopes one day to do it again, but she doesn’t know at this point if that’s possible.

I went numb. Others were very supportive of this kind lady who has kept this group going for 12 years (and I’ve been a part of it for the last 9 years) and of course I feel great empathy for her situation, but the group has been a big support for me. It’s the one place I can talk about alien abduction shit, and all the paranormal crazy that goes with it, with people who get it because they struggle with it too! I didn’t end up talking about what I was going to talk about, which was the 2 nights back to back that I actually remembered. I couldn’t really speak after her announcement.

Afterwards, I worried that maybe she was going to stop seeing me as a therapist as well! I spiraled out and emailed her that if she was going to “dump” me, to please just email me. I couldn’t take another Zoom call announcement like that. She emailed back quickly to reassure me that she wasn’t going to do that– she had no idea I would worry about such a thing. But people (especially women) sometimes have to back off on their professional lives to care for sick and dying relatives, so I wasn’t sure.

The next day I had a therapy session with her and we went over many things I’m struggling with, including my standing up for myself to Cat when she crosses a line. And that I saw my doctor to make sure she understood about my signing up for SSI. And my SNAP interview is going to be next week– it’s the once a year evaluation that you have to complete with proof of income, and you have a 5-day period to do that. And that means I can do my taxes (because I had to wait, or my tax return would count as income!)

I have the stressies! BLAH! I broke down crying several times talking to her. She pointed out that I had a lot of “wins” in my column, but I told her that I don’t feel like I have wins. I feel like I’m just barely keeping my head above water. And she’s one of my floaties! So when she had to drop the support group, I panicked to think she might drop the therapy too! Where else will I find a therapist who understands the paranormal bullshit I contend with on top of the Complex Developmental PTSD!? And for $25 an hour!?!?! NO WHERE.

Even at that extremely cheap price, I can only see her once or twice a month, but I need that touchstone contact to save my sanity! Just going over what I’m dealing with made it clear I’m paddling water without a life jacket! (I’m trying to keep the metaphors consistent!) But I’m not fighting depression. Instead, I’m handling rage. I haven’t hurt anyone or anything, nor am I likely to– but I finally understand how panic can turn into rage, and I never really understood that before. But that’s just when someone is cruel to me, even a little. Otherwise, I’m just a nervous mess, on the brink of panic far too often. It hijacks my entire system so I can’t perform when I need to, and so every day I am “managing” my mental illness. Some days better than others.

The good news is, Cat responded well to my email to her, and we’ve spoken much more, and more positively, in this last week. I’m massively relieved. I wish she didn’t take a month to resent me every time I stand up to her. But yeah, every single time she freezes me out for a month! And I know she’s struggling too for sure. I just can’t let her think that means it’s okay to cross the line with me. But it SUCKS to confront someone you know will just be pissed instead of sorry when they hurt you. I just have no more room to accommodate disrespect. My tolerance is gone.

I’m sure in the end it’s for the best, but the process is a bitch!