Sharp Contrast In Mood

I was feeling so fucking depressed and hopeless last night, and then– I woke up this morning feeling amazing. Like I literally opened my eyes and life seemed full of possibility. The contrast was so incredibly sharp! I don’t know what happened up in my old noggin’ to pull such a thing off. Whatever it was, I wish I could figure it out so I could wake up feeling rested and warm and hopeful much more often than like, twice a year!

Maybe I just needed to be sad and cry a little. Not sobbing or anything, just silently weeping and feeling sorry for myself. I don’t often indulge in self-pity. I mean, I know I complain a lot in writing– in person, not so much. But I also don’t allow myself to dive into sadness. So much of my life is sad, and sadness has so often turned into self-hating and self-annihilating wishes, that I’m very leery of it. Sadness seems… dangerous to me.

So naturally I was rather confused upon awakening from such dark and grim thoughts as I posted last night (privately) to feel so much better. I really just don’t fucking get it at all. I actually just woke up feeling like I could DO things, and then– I DID them. Weird, right? I cleaned my room a little today, and did some outdoor chores, and I caught up on some things that I was putting off. The list is by no means lessened by much, but if I could just wake up with a brain that works which includes a sense of motivation and hope even once a fucking week, my entire life would be transformed into something uniquely magical!

Today, I simply accepted it as a well-loved gift, and then went about my day in this way that seemed natural to me. Like, this would be ME if it weren’t for all the shit that’s happened to make me so much less or more than I wish I was in so many ways. Gods! It’s been too fucking long without an easy good day.

That’s all it was– a good day requiring no extra effort at all. Just– get up and go and do and feel and think and BE.

Sadly, I know I won’t wake up feeling the same way tomorrow, so it’ll be hard to sleep tonight. Mind you, I’d welcome it if I did, but experience suggests otherwise. Surrendering to sleep means saying good-bye to this amazing day, and I really don’t want to do that! But do it I must.

Still… I end my amazing day with the thought that maybe I’ll have another amazing fucking day someday. It could happen, right?