Another Meaningless Opener

I intended to write a short article before the game Sunday, but then I realized the content would be a virtual carbon copy of the article I wrote before last year’s season opener — one where, you’ll recall, the Ravens came up short to the Chiefs in Arrowhead in the final seconds. (see: Likely toe-tap)

Shortly after Sunday night’s game ended, still pondering how to fix the fist holes in my drywall, it occurred to me that the agonizing redundancy of the Ravens IS the article, so here is my take on this year’s season opener…

In a purple nutshell, while the regular season isn’t entirely irrelevant, we have come to know two (2) things in Charm City:

#1. If Lamar is healthy, the Ravens will go to the playoffs. Aaaand…

#2. The Ravens fall short in the playoffs.

I won’t contend that Sunday night’s bowel-compromising defeat was entirely meaningless — as evidenced by my drywall — but as Derrick Henry cruised down the sidelines for a touchdown to make the score 40–25, I thought the game was won.

The extra point? A foregone conclusion.

I, you, and the throngs of Bills faithful gloomily heading for the Orchard Park exits thought the same thing.

Then, and even before the extra point attempt clanged forebodingly off the upright, I was haunted by the nagging thought that flutters into my head like the Raven himself, perching itself on the dusty window lattice of my brain:

“This win won’t matter if they don’t win in the playoffs.”

Shut up, you damn bird.

Let’s be honest, that means Super Bowl, hoisting the Lombardi Trophy, and winning it all. Or, as Lardarius Webb once poetically quipped, “I just wanna see that purple graffiti.”

Graffiti/confetti — same thing.

Like a leaky skipjack taking on water, the days of moral victories have long since set sail from the Inner Harbor.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m always excited when football is back. But as pumpkin spice makes its way into everything we deem edible (including edibles), I know it’s about time for that little beak to come rapping at my chamber door.

“None of this matters if we don’t win in the playoffs.”

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So….do you want some good news, Ravens fans?

First, we only have 4–5 shitty Mondays in the fall, as opposed to 12–13 rather pleasant ones. So…consider yesterday “one under your belt.”

(Of course, there’s that one “really shitty” Monday in the winter — but we’ll fumble our way across that bridge when we get to it.)

Second, if a win in Buffalo had been “essentially meaningless,” as I maintain, then so is the defeat.

“Meaningless!!? How can you say that Tieff?? What if it costs us a first-round bye??”

The Ravens have zero (0) Super Bowl wins with a first-round bye — they have 2 (two) without them.

“But…but… what about home field advantage, or hosting the AFC championship game??

Sir, say I, or Madam — how has that panned out thus far?

Lamar and the Ravens will face the Browns this weekend, along with the ageless Joe Flacco, who, as we all know, mercifully put the “can he win the big one?” question to rest in just his 5th season as a Raven.

Of course, Flacco is still playing 12 seasons later, and has yet to sniff another Super Bowl, but his legacy in Baltimore is set in stone. Even as a Brown, we oddly still love the guy.

This fuels the Jackson vs Flacco historical debate in Baltimore, while highlighting the root of all of our suffering: expectations.

Flacco was a QB who never made a Pro Bowl, was as flashy as a pair of khakis, and might beat Tom Brady by an eyelash in a 40-yard dash. But he was Joe Cool — and Joe Cool has a ring.

Lamar Jackson is a human video game who has two MVPs and has done things never seen before on a football field.

But…he has no rings.

So…who ya got?

Personally, I think one ring is worth a million MVP trophies, but while there is still more than 50% of his career in front of him — a career that will end in Canton — I hold on to the faith that Jackson and the Ravens will eventually win it all.

Thus, ending any foolish argument of “who was better.”

However, until that day comes, Lamar is only adding to a resume that could eclipse Dan Marino as “the greatest QB never to win it all.”

I say all this to say, “We won’t know shit until January — and we won’t know Lamar’s legacy until he retires.” Granted, I’ve been saying that every year for the last 5 seasons, but it’s still the truth.

So, sit back and relax, don’t let Sunday night’s gut-wrenching defeat ruin the perfect Indian summer weather here in Maryland, and go enjoy your pumpkin spice edible.

And if that Raven keeps rapping on your chamber door, consider splitting the edible in half.

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