BISCIOTTI PRESSER PART II: All Aboard Winning Drive

For 7 years Steve Bisciotti had been quiet until Tuesday, when he sat beside GM Eric DeCosta at the dais to field questions from the media. The presser was an overwhelming success, and Bisciotti has shared with members of his inner circle that he really enjoyed the experience – so much so that he invited three members of the media who were not given the opportunity to ask the questions they desired, to a private interview aboard his yacht.

I’ve received a transcript of the interview and thought to share it because it does shed light on some new topics not covered during the January 13th presser.

STEVE BISCIOTTI: Welcome aboard gentlemen. Before we get started can I get you anything to drink?

GERALDO COLEMANDO: I’ll take a Cosmopolitan up, and Steve, is that caviar over there free?

BISCIOTTI: For you Geraldo, absolutely. I’m assuming you’ll want a doggie bag to go as well?

GERALDO: You know me so well.

NESSY NARCISSISTICO: As a high standing member of the Baltimore sports media, a group I regularly led by example and through my award-winning excellence and commitment to my profession, set the standard for all others, I would like an Ouzito. If you don’t know, an Ouzito is a Greek Mojito, in honor of the very available man who was the first in Baltimore to strip away my media credentials, although he wasn’t the last. That distinction belongs to the insufferable Chad Steele. But make no mistake about it, once you name your new head coach Stevo, I will be back. No presser will ever be the same.

BISCIOTTI: Would you like the kind with muddled mint leaves?

NESSY: Is there any other kind?

BISCIOTTI: What about you J?

J. I’CAN-BORE-US: Look Silent Steve. Let’s cut to the chase. You are as cheap as they come so if you’re offering, I’ll take the best you have. Give me the nectar of the gods. Dust off all the good stuff you’ve been hoarding and give me a slow pour of your finest and keep them coming because we have a lot to get through here Steve if we’re going to fix this rotting from the neck down house that DeCosta built.

BISCIOTTI: So, J. What would that drink be?

J. I’CAN-BORE-US: I’ll have the peach flavored High Noon.

(After drinks have been served)

BISCIOTTI: So, now that we’ve settled in, what’s on your mind fellas?

J. I’CAN-BORE-US: I’ll go first and maybe these two ham-and-eggers can learn something. Do you understand the concept of cash-over-cap? Rhetorical question there Silent Steve. It’s obvious you don’t. Look, this salary cap thing you and your 31 partners dangle around is nothing more than the NFL practicing socialism. You pretend it’s real but it’s not. You know it. I know it and meanwhile, you guys rake in dollars like they’re Central Park leaves in the fall. Just spend! Don’t be so cheap!

Look, if you want to win a Lombardi, kick that fake salary cap can down the road and buy yourself one. If you had 2 Pro Bowl guards last season, traded for Micah Parsons when he became available and brought in a kicker who is already potty trained, we’d be talking about the Bills coming to town this weekend. Instead, we’re on this aging yacht that really needs a facelift. Maybe spend some of those dollars on a new boat there, Captain Stubing.

BISCIOTTI: J, did you know that from 2018 to 2023 not one of the top 5 spending teams was a Super Bowl winner; only 2 of the top 5 spenders made it to the Super Bowl; 52% had losing records AND, during that time, the Ravens had a .646 winning percentage while the Top 5 spenders over that span had a .527 winning percentage. Should I go on?

J. I’CAN-BORE-US: Uh, um, no, I’m good. Can I have another High Noon? Like blu-blu-blu-blu. You know what I mean?

NESSY: Back when Art Modell owned the team, I was considered to be the lead guy in town as far as the Ravens were concerned. Art told me that I was like a son to him. Kevin Byrne leaned on me to help him navigate some of the public relations messes that the Ravens got themselves into and if not for my guidance through the myriads of critical mistakes by this franchise, YOUR net worth would not be what it is today. I helped preserve the value of the very franchise that you have the comfort of owning. You need me Bisciotti. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it including these two yahoos. Everyone that is except for Chad Steele.

Steele has denied me the opportunity to earn a proper living. He has single-handedly stonewalled my livelihood. You gave credit the other day to guys like Jamison Hensley and Jeff Zrebiec – even Mike Preston. You praise them for their longevity and their perseverance, but do you know who has been around longer? Do you know who practically unloaded the trailers that rolled into that dump that was once the Colts headquarters? Well, you’re looking at him. I’ve been here from Day 1 and not only do you not acknowledge this incredible achievement, but you also gaslight it by denying me credentials. Look, the Baltimore Ravens would be nothing without Nessy Narcissistico and all the books I’ve written about your team that no one read. Why weren’t they read? Well, taking away my credentials undermined my relevancy.

BISCIOTTI: Is there a question you’d like to ask?

NESSY: Can I get back my credentials? Please, please, please?

BISCIOTTI: No!

Geraldo, do you have anything for me?

GERALDO: Hi, I’m Geraldo Cooooooooooolemando. I have just one question but before I ask it, I’d like to dispel a few things being said about me. Yes, I was let go by WBAL, WCBM, WQLL, 98-Rock, 105.7 The Fan three times and The Dundalk Eagle, just to name a few. I was also fired from my own podcast. Each time it wasn’t my fault. My market value was just too much for these penny-pinching fledgling outfits to absorb and I was forced to take my talents and trust fund elsewhere.

As you know, I’ve developed a reputation for asking the tough questions. The. Tough. Questions. These two losers wouldn’t dare to ask them. One of them hides in a studio with a bag of donuts while the other one sits outside the media entrance at The Castle like a Salvation Army collector without the bell, hoping for someone to let him in. He’s treated like a stray dog and with that hairstyle, who could argue? But that’s not my point.

Have I said I ask the tough questions?

Just the other day, I asked you about your freaky ex-kicker – allegedly. But I was summarily dismissed. And I have to think, that’s why you asked me on this boat today. You felt guilty for cutting me off.

BISCIOTTI: Actually, we had a gallon of that caviar left over from last week and I thought you might be a good way to get rid of it.

GERALDO: Fair enough. I’m not saying you are, but you may be right. Or I may be crazy. But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for. Get it?

BISCIOTTI: I do.

GERALDO: Ok Steve, I have just one question. After 18 years working with John Harbaugh; after all the road trips and parties; after all the pre-game and post-game heart-to-hearts; after all the respect the two of you have shown towards each other and this alleged close relationship, how could you end it all with a phone call? Isn’t that grossly disrespectful?

BISCIOTTI: Geraldo, I answered that during Tuesday’s presser. You got the transcript. Go read it.

GERALDO: I did read it Mr. Biscuit, but I’m not buying. I want the truth.

BISCIOTTI: You want the truth?

GERALDO: I think I’m entitled to it.

BISCIOTTI: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Son, we work here at The Castle. It’s a world that has walls and these walls are sacred. They must be guarded by men of honor. Who here among you three has even an ounce of honor? You Nessy Narcissistico? You J. I’CanBoreUs? I have a great responsibility to this franchise than you can’t possibly fathom. You weep for players we part ways with. You curse the Shield. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know – that our kicker’s departure, while tragic for many, probably saved jobs; and my existence, while filthy rich and incomprehensible to you, saves careers by doing what’s best for The Shield — that of the NFL and most importantly that of the Ravens.

You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at those parties where you mooch off your friends, you want me on these walls. You need me on these walls. We use words like honor, off-the-record, no comment and trust. We use these words as the backbone of a career spent preserving the integrity of a franchise. You use them as a punch line.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who has a job that depends on a football team that I finance and then questions the manner in which I operate it.

I would rather that you just said, “thank you” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick your ass up off that chair, take your leftover caviar and these two hacks and get off my yacht. Either way, I don’t give a DAMN what you think you’re entitled to!

NESSY: Before we go, can I have my credentials back?

I’CAN-BORE-US: One more peach High Noon for the road?

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DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons or actual events is purely sensationalized for entertainment purposes. Reader discretion is advised.

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Source: https://russellstreetreport.com/2026/01/15/chatsessions/bisciotti-presser-part-2/