Another Migraine Train, Goals, Party, and Trying for Okay

Okay! The last couple of weeks have been difficult– I had a week of migraines, AGAIN. Gods! They suck! It started up again just a few days after the last round. I had a few days of normalcy, and then the pain and nausea returned at varying levels for the next 8 or 9 days. Yesterday, the pain train finally broke down and I came up for air and to run some needed errands. Today is Day #2 without a migraine, but I’m leery because I don’t think this shit is going away for at least a few more weeks.

Despite this obstacle, I’m feeling cautiously proud that I managed to get a place to stay and transportation worked out for the Social Security Appointment with my sister! It’s right after Lunasa, so I’ll be riding with Amara back down to Portland and then stay thru the appointment, traveling by one-way train from Portland to Tacoma on Cat’s next day working from home, so she can pick me up at the train station up north and drive me the rest of the way home!

Victoire!

Amara came up and brought shrooms for Cat (and me, but Cat took them all and I told her it was fine– it’s not, really, but this time… whatever! Next time, I’ll ask Amara to bring anything for me into my bathroom and leave it on my medicine basket so Cat can’t steal it as easily!!) She offered them for free, which is great, because Cat’s spending money is down with that $200 a month increase in her mortgage. Cat is saying that she doesn’t think the shrooms are helping her, and I think it’s because she’s not taking enough of either the St. John’s Wort nor the Magic Shrooms. She needs to up her damned dosage! I keep telling her and telling her, but she’d rather under-dose and then give up because it “doesn’t work” and I swear I’ll kill her (metaphorically) if she pulls that shit on me again!

Cat and I went to a shindig to see Hilary and her family and hang out and see some people for a double-birthday party. I felt bad because it didn’t really know about the birthday part and had no gifts! (For Hilary and her dad.) If I go next year, I’ll do better. Cat made a great fruit salad without anything but mangoes, bananas, fresh pineapple, and sweet “candy snap” grapes. All the fruit was just slightly overripe, so it was perfect sweetness for the mixture of fruit. It was a huge hit at the party, with most people getting seconds and even thirds! So… on the way home I paid the $30-something dollars for the ferry back to spare Cat the long drive home and do my fair share. Cat asked if it was okay twice, but it really was. I’m so careful with my money that I knew I was well-covered! That was really nice to socialize a little again.

Sadly, my migraine chose that afternoon to come back with a vengence! Cat was ready to leave anyway, but my migraine made for a good excuse. Hilary gave me 2 pills for migraines, and I took one and kept the other. I took a pic of the drug so I’d have a record of the name of it– it’s basically a mixture of things, but it worked and she told me it lasted for about 6 hours. See–? I need some medication like THAT for the migraines when they get really bad. I’m just fucking losing days upon days again like I did last year right at the height of summer. Fuck that shit! Meanwhile, her magic pill worked. It has an extra dose of caffeine in it and I felt like Cat was driving 100 miles an hour when it hit. Really weird “buzzy” fast head-trip. But–! It made the nausea and pain just… GO AWAY, not only for that day, but a couple more passed before the migraine train rolled out again.

Cat’s been extra weird the last week or so. Maybe my holing up in a dark room is bumming her out. We’ve had a couple more incidents in which she started to bitch about shit too much and I said “DING!” to mark my boundary. She then pouts for DAYS every single time I remind her to watch how much negativity she drops into the conversation. I do give her opportunities to talk, but she really wants to just bitch and whine and moan for hours, and can’t we do other things? Everything is tense and she’s doing that “I won’t talk since I can’t whine the way I want to…” silent treatment. She says that it’s because she’s stymied, but I think it’s autistic passive aggression. She wants to act out and I won’t let her do that with me and so she’s fucking pouting about it like a teenager.

Yesterday I told her I missed her (we’ve barely been speaking) and asked about things we could do. Movie? Go scooter together? Play one of her games? She said she’d think about it and I just sighed and quietly walked away. I really do miss my friend. I miss our fun times. She won’t do anything fun with me anymore. She just does her own thing privately– which is fine. I love my own me-time! But couldn’t we hang out casually for positive things sometimes too? I’m tired of it always being negative stuff when we socialize. We need some happy to go with all that crap!

Meanwhile, my anxiety is finally going down. I’ve had a couple more days where I just look up and around and things feel… OKAY.

All I want is okay. It’s so hard to get there and hold on. Okay keeps slipping away from me…