Looking Forward Towards 2026

Here we go again…

I’m in a mood that is difficult to articulate.

I know. That’s so weird for me! The second half of last year really made me feel both impotent and fed up in ways that’s changed how I’m dealing with life and people. Part of that mood is just plain anger. I’m pissed at a lot of people and I don’t know what to do with that emotion. I’m also feeling okay with surrendering to reality– like I have no power but so the fuck what? Another emotion I don’t know how to handle really. So I’m just sitting with both those emotions always just there and that’s the mood I’ve been in for months upon months.

I’ve been writing regularly, if rarely, over the months, and one thing I’m going to do over the next couple of months is post those entries on my LiveJournal. I’m really behind on that! But I’ll catch up by only one or two posts at a time so anyone reading can catch up pretty easily, rather than overwhelming my 2 or 3 regular readers who are still around that venue. Posting these should help explain why I’m in this long-term feisty mood.

I’m going to try to get back to posting once a week again, maybe more if the mood strikes. One reason I haven’t been writing more is that I don’t find that I have much new to say. It seems like the same issues arising over and over, and circling around my frustration over these things is boring the fuck out of me! I want to move on and move up, but I can’t, so I just… sigh and pivot to distracting myself with some silly diversion. That’s not exactly enthralling to communicate, ya know? But okay– some new shit pops up most weeks I can write about, and so I’ll do my best on that.

Financially, I have to do my back taxes (where I’m owed via EIC or Earned Income Credit– my sponsored writing counts for a wonder!) as well as last year’s taxes, which should help some. It took until last fall before I had access to my own 1099s from Patreon. I’m also seeing my doctor and working out all my diagnosed chronic issues so I can apply for SSI, rather than Disability. Disability is much harder to get (though worth it if you can get it, because it’s more money) but I don’t think I can handle the stress of it. So I’m applying for something that allows for me to work a little on the regular (like my Patreon money) and going that route. This winter these goals are my main focus. Alimony ends in August, so I have to get going on this. I hate that it took me this long to figure things out, but I’ve had no support for it except my therapist, and my PTSD bullshit makes me very reluctant to face scrutiny of any kind! Intellectually I know this, but that doesn’t make dealing with my overwhelming emotions any easier. The lizard brain trumps the emotional, and the emotional trumps the intellectual. I finally think I can do all this without panicking and shutting down.

Wish me will. It’s not luck I need, but rather the will to keep at it and see it through!

Once I get the paperwork (online forms) worked out and sent, I think I’ll finally be able to take a deep breath.

Other things on my agenda: Buy new clothes. I’m literally down to rags on some of my favorite long-sleeved shirts. I had to throw two away in the last month because they got so full of holes they were useless. I guess that tax return money will help with this endeavor.

I need to repair my iPad that’s been down for almost a year because I don’t know how to fix it, and I need a ride to the Apple store or something and I’m tired of asking my roomies for favors all the time! But I’ve got to bite the bullet and do it. It’s stupid to have something that’s only bad because of a software glitch!

I require another go-round at the dentist. It’s been 2 years and that’s too long. Again– tax return money.

At this point, I’ll be back down to nothing again, but okay– I’ll have clothes and an iPad and teeth working, and that’s all good.

Most of my other projects with other people are on hold because between my migraines and their reluctance, we’re at a stuck point. Fine.

That leaves psychological and spiritual goals for the year.

I’m going to do another round of IFS therapy because I’m finding myself at an emotional stuck point (see “mood” above there) and clearly some things are just not dynamic enough to be useful anymore. I’ll share that on my journals because that’s how I roll. But buckle up because I have a feeling some Aspects of me are raring for a fight. Somebody new has popped up, that’s for sure!

Spiritually, I’m going to explore the Norse god connection (that THEY started, not me!) and see if I can get more communication going and ask what I can do and ask them for some favors in return. What I want is pretty simple: better health. If I have that, I can manage the rest. I admit I’m curious as to why they contacted me in the first place and what it is they think I can do! Because I’m not very impressive on the practical level, let’s admit that. Conversationally, sure! But how that translates into favors for pagan gods I couldn’t tell you.

Finally, it’s that time of the year again… My gang of celestial or other-dimensional Visitors start abducting me to… teach hybrid teenagers about life on Earth? I don’t know! I don’t remember enough to report much, but maybe I’ll get a few precious seconds of memory. Last year (or was it the year before?) I remembered one child of mine named “Cathay” who looked more like a Grey but had this artistic, weird outlook on life and it was cool to remember someone in that secret life of mine that I could actually enjoy as a person. Sure– she was “deep reading” my mind, and that’s always invasive, but at least she was bubbly and light in her mental touch, so the mind rape was more gentle.

Like how I’m ending this with the freaky shit? Yeah– I’m REALLY behind in those reports! But in the next few weeks I expect at least a few things to leak out, and so we’ll see how it goes. If you’re new and you don’t believe in that type of thing, it’s fine. I’m not offended! I don’t know that I could believe it if… I hadn’t had all the experiences I’ve had as well as multiple witnesses to a precious few of them. I suppose you can just scratch your head at the weirdo who dares to write about everything in her life, even the ghosts and aliens and faeries and gods! I could censor that stuff out, but why bother? I don’t care much if others affirm my experiences anymore. I haven’t in a long time.

I can’t say I’m looking forward to the new year. However, I do know that some big changes are coming and I can only hope they’re better than the older reality they’re replacing. In my own life at least. In the bigger world, I already know that the shit show is going to get much, much worse.

Source: https://lucretiasheart.livejournal.com/1723385.html