Freaking Out & Can't Deal w/ News

I haven’t been able to even watch a 20-minute news round-up show on TV (ABC News on Hulu) for the last month. I haven’t been able to watch commentary shows for almost as long. It’s all just too much to handle.

I still read about what’s happening, as I follow several independent journalists (some of whom were fired from shows when conservatives took over their network) on Substack, and that’s difficult enough. I’ve unsubscribed from several sources because finding 40 to 50 updates in my email was too overwhelming. (I’ve got it down to about 15 to 20.)

I continue to try to do one thing as an activist every day, though I don’t succeed as often, but it helps to do something. Still, there are at least a few days a week I just… can’t. I know that means the evil “They” are succeeding at wearing me down, but to my credit, I have done a lot for someone with C-PTSD who literally foresaw this era of history in visions from my childhood, teens, and twenties! Watching it all play out is extremely distressing. It’s why I went suicidal 2 years ago, from sheer dread when I was told that it was all about to go down (by you know who!) Then it began, the second term of DJT, and though I pulled out of the deep depression, my anxiety was ratcheted way up.

When I’m especially struggling to deal with shit day to day, I’m less likely to write in my blogs about things, because everything makes me feel incredibly scared. Apologies for my intermittent absences as I go through all this.

Now my alimony is about to run out, and I haven’t filed for SSI yet. I keep waking up to headlines like the one this week (already and it’s Monday morning!) that they’re cutting benefits to people who have dementia, various forms of mental retardation, and the like. Including, but not limited to, those who live with family so they don’t get food assistance and that type of thing! The cruelty really IS the point.

And my rage at those who helped this all happen (the Republitards who voted for Trump and/or his henchmen in Congress) is boundless. This shit will smack all of them who aren’t millionaires and billionaires right in the face, but by the time they realize they were wrong, it’ll be far too late. It was all so preventable, this taking over of the U.S. by retards and bullies, and yet we had no safeguards for it because the faith in our fellow humans was far too high. The consequences of the bullshit of this period will last– well, maybe forever, if my furthest visions come true, but even if not, what’s going down now will take a couple decades to fix easily.

So I’m trying to keep my shit together enough to just– exist somehow. And it’s not easy! I honestly don’t think SSI will even be around much longer. I mean I truly believe They are going to just want to shut the entire program down. Let the crazies, and the retards, and the cripples, and the useless fucking die, amirite? Because that’s the attitude of Nazis. They believe only the strong and the wealthy should be allowed to survive, and fuck everyone else. They’re already setting up (or attempting to set up) internment camps in massive warehouses. We don’t have that many illegal aliens. Who ELSE are they planning for? Well, the crazies, and the retards, and the cripples to start. Political enemies too. And LGBQT+ are on that list for sure. People of color if they’re too “uppity” (believe they have rights). Probably very poor people too. Who knows how long the list of “undesirables” will get?

And… I’m living with an autistic person who is very selfish on some levels and will balk at supporting me when what she cares about are collecting toys and going out to nice restaurants to eat!

I did my best to prepare for these times with what limited resources I had. But even the Tribe of people I hoped would help protect me is fraying ever since the Reese/Sleep break up. Being so limited physically is scary as hell during times like these! Hell, jobs are disappearing due to A.I. and how the fuck will people being forced to work or die of starvation (because they took SNAP/food stamps away from everyone under 60) find work that doesn’t even exist anymore?

So every day I’m struggling with how to cope with all of this, it’s a LOT and it’s all happening so fucking fast. When I feel overwhelmed (which is quite often) I distract myself as best I can. I’d like to have a Plan B and C and D, but I don’t really have that much. At least I live in a semi-rural area in a house that’s 85% paid for at this point. That’s something. But Cat doesn’t have me on the deed or in her will, so if anything happens to her, I’m screwed. Hell, I’m pretty screwed just being at her mercy as it is, but without her I’m really fucked.

These are the thoughts that plague me daily. I can deal with it sometimes, but other times not so much!