If You Stand Very Still....

Drive to Ahab’s without getting lost. Harder than it sounds.

Ahab has no mixers, so we slam neat Gin for a while, uncharicteristicaly I’m allowed to sleep until 8am.

Head north. Cross the border into Scotland – receive abusive phone call from an angry ginger motorist who has tried to stop us merging, photographed the phone number on the liveried wagon, and is now triumphantly announcing he’ll CC us into his email to Police Scotland. An email which never comes.

There’s a lay-by we always stop at to let the dogs have a run around, we’re joined by a cheerful German chap in a motor home who is exercising his offspring. Ahab’s dogs are amazingly well behaved (especially for a cloud of spaniel) and mill about playing with the kraut kids. For a reason that’s never adequately explained we also have Ahab’s sister’s dogs with us, one is fine, the other is completely useless, it has none of the attributes you might want in a dog. The crap dog somehow slips its lead and skedaddles into the forrest, hotly pursued by a raging Ahab. The German chap, in a fantastic display of droll, deadpans “Basil Fawlty in cameo”. Which was the funniest thing to happen that day, until from a thicket Ahab screams “It’s not fucking funny!! I’ve lost this dog before” which kills me and the German.

On arrival its such a nice evening we decide to go for a walk. The drumlin remains the perfect vantage point so we crawl up onto the top where we’re joined by some natural cover. You’ve not lived until you’ve had your rifle licked by a cow.

The morning dawns at about 4am and the first client arrives, is escorted up on to the hill, where he makes sight of a Roebuck, and has has to lie very very still for a couple of hours whilst being savaged by wee flying beasties. To his massive delight he shoots what comes to be known as the Bottle Opener Buck

Couple of days later the next team of guests rock up. I’ve seen the aphorism attributed to Richard Prior “You can stalk deer in a white shirt if you make use of natural cover” this week it was tested to the max.

It seems this is how stalking clients dress these days, her Hubs wasn’t dressed much more appropriately.

We’ve got some more ground, it’s not as good looking, but it teems with deer. This is incredible ground.
A thick forestry block is surrounded with wildly over optimistic and ineffectual deer fencing, which separates it from a lush meadow. We split up, I get Hubs. It’s great to have someone to carry my rifle.
Hubs gets an incredible introduction to stalking; we see deer, we see deer vanish into dead ground less than 50m away and reappear as if by teleport 200m away. Only to hop the fence and disappear again. He gets the perfect lesson in natural cover.

There’s a fortuitous hedge where the farmers get a grant to plant, but as neither neighbour trusts the other with the maintenance, and the grant money depends on the hedge being maintained the hedge is planted between two fences, leaving us a perfect approach. we find a smashing spot. So I give Hubs the binoculars to keep him occupied, roll up my jacket, and lie down to wait for sun down.

Hubs: you having a nap?
SBW: do you like Lou Reed?
Hubs: Yeah! I do
SBW: ‘He’s never early, he’s always late. First thing you learn is you always gotta wait’.
SBW: Bet you didn’t know copping horse and stalking deer had anything in common?

I’m wrested from the arms of morpheus by wee flying beasties sucking my blood, the wind has dropped, provoking a feeding frenzy, and then has the temerity to change ends, putting an end to the bites, but blowing our scent into the deer’s obvious exit point.

Hubs gets that bit where the deer stand looking directly at you, unsure of whats discombobulating them. Tentatively going back to feeding. Wind changes and boom! They’re off.

With the wind blowing over us into the plantation the deer have extra reason to head to the meadow, as we round the corner, as predicted, there they are. Gloriously milling about, in season and unaware we’re there. This is the hard bit. Standing completely still watching three become eleven. Waiting for twenty two eyes to face away simultaneously. All the time my skin throbbing with Midge bites. All feeding. Viper sticks set up. Wait. All feeding. Resist urge to claw at my own face. Rifle on top of Viper sticks. Wait. All feeding. Hubs and I swap places. All feeding. The long long wait for Hubs to shoot his first deer. All feeding and still we wait. My skin crawls. Hubs whispers “nothing is happening”. Push the safety off for him. Wait. All feeding. Wait. Bang-thwack-thump-meat on the ground. The sheer orgasmic joy of being able to scratch my face.

More soon
your pal
SBW

A suburban dad blogging about: Gear Freakery, Prepping, Rifles, Archery, Deer Hunting, Fishing, Urban Hunting and Homesteading, Locavore Cooking, and some Storytelling.