Disasterous Debate & Roomie Avoidance

Gods. I hate it that so many of these posts are about Cat. She’s NOT that prominent a person, yet in my life she has outsized power for obvious reasons. I’m used to dancing a fine tune to my father and ex-husband to try to keep my life “okay”– but Cat is such a weird mixture of selfish and childish, lacking social sophistication, that I’m not sure how to address problems most of the time.

I made myself sleep in today and when I got up finally Cat was eating lunch and listening to or watching something on her iPad. I got up to go to the bathroom, and suddenly she was scrambling to grab her stuff to leave even though she was no where near finished with her meal. Playfully I said, “Are you that eager to get away from me?”

And she said, “Yeah.”

“I’m just going to the bathroom…” I kept my voice light-hearted.

“I know,” she replied and she left as I shut the bathroom door.

So… what the fuck was THAT?!

Maybe it’s that she’s avoiding talking because the presidential debate last night was a disaster for Biden. He looked feeble, weak, and got confused and mumbled as he switched topics mid-thought and rambled off… The guy was clearly exhausted and in obvious physical and mental decline! Every Democrat’s worst fears witnessed for 90 minutes of agonizing pain. Trump lied and bullshitted, but at least he was alert. I would still vote for senile over evil, but should I have to make that choice?

Anyways, it’s all anyone’s talking about this morning and maybe she’s in a bad mood and wants to avoid discussing it? I don’t fucking know!

LATER: Cat just drove me to the pot store so I could get my anti-migraine meds for the month, and we managed to talk about the debate and I told a little about Robin’s news and she listened. But most of the drive back we didn’t speak at all. When we reached home, I thanked her and offered her a couple bucks for gas/electric for the ride (because it was just for me as a special trip) and she said, “I don’t know what good it’ll do…” but she accepted it.

She’s in a mood because our butane tank was filled, which is always a few hundred bucks, and it was at the summer pricing (which is cheaper) but it still took a big bite out of her pocket. I suspect the money thing is why she’s silently angry. She’s stewing and can’t think of much else to talk about.

In happier news, Robin called and her house is sold, so she has to move in the next 3 weeks. Dale’s being a dick of course, so she’s frantic and super busy. I was glad she called today because I could tell her my weirdness with Cat and just get a perspective. Calmed me down quite a bit just to touch base with my oldest friend and adopted sister. I also talked about the dreadful alternatives I face if things don’t work out between me and Cat, and when I talked about the daunting task of cleaning and fixing the house Erica shares with our mother, and Robin actually said that she and her kids would come help me and get the place nice to live in!

I started to cry a little when she said that. Just knowing that I might not have to face that type of thing alone is helpful. I am freaked out trying to think of what to do if Cat decides it’s “easier” to just give up and walk away rather than get help and be a kinder person! She also agreed with me that I need to be careful dealing with Cat’s moods because she has real power. At least Robin gets it.

I’ve smoked a little, but the migraine is bad enough that I have the shakes like an alcoholic DTs or something! I don’t know if Cat noticed or cared, but I’m very weak, shaky, clumsy… Even when I get the pain and nausea under some control, the rest of my body is all fucked up in other ways. Writing this is a challenge, between the white screen and the fumbly fingers!

These are the type of days where the entire day is wasted. I just watch shows, or listen to podcasts, because shit is just too fucking hard right now!