Over A Month of Migraines

I’m sorry if it seems like I keep disappearing… I don’t mean to.

However, the “Migraine Train” was running at full steam for over a month. Many days I can’t even look at a computer screen on it’s dimmest setting without it feeling like skewers going into my eyes! Aside from pain, which I can control to some degree, there is the nausea, which I take motion sickness medication to control as well. But then there’s the other weird things that come with it besides pain and nausea, like the weird extra clumsiness and random muscle twitches, making me prone to accidents (including a muscle twitch while standing up that led my kicking and breaking my own big toe–with the heel of the other foot!!) I also have weakness and mild shaking almost all the time. I’m constantly dropping things and losing my balance as well. It really takes everything right out of me.

When I’m not miserable, I’m bored. That’s unusual for me, because I generally have a thousand ways to fill time and fascinate myself with many interests and projects, fantasies and comtemplations. Not lately! I just white-knuckle each day, getting through as best I can, day after day. I have no zip, no sparkle, no joy. I’m not depressed (thanks to Prozac) but my great attitude doesn’t make me more functional when butted up against migraines that last for over a week, take a day or two off, and then run for another week or more. It’s relentless and all I can do is… endure.

I have less than a week until I see a doctor for this shit. They were all booked up, and I couldn’t really get them to give me medication with just a phone call as several people advised me to do. Uh… Medicaid is underfunded, understaffed, and they really don’t like starting all new meds without seeing me. I couldn’t get Prozac for suicidal depression with a phone call, so… clearly they have some rules for this. And I honestly have no energy to call people and email people and fight either. I’m exhausted. Most days I’m fighting fatigue flares on top of the rest, so guess how hard I try? Yeah, not very hard…

So I’m alive, but honestly–? This isn’t living. I’m used to bullshit with pain, fatigue, and various other chronic issues, but this unending migraine thing is killing my will to live. I’m not suicidal, I just can’t anymore right now. I have SO many things piled up to take care of and I just… can’t!

And… that’s not fun to write about day after day after day– when I can even manage to look at a screen long enough to type! So the silence grows and grows. I may try to fill in a few days later so it doesn’t look so dismal, but I don’t have any real motivation right now. I’m trying, but it’s quite evident that trying isn’t enough. So, apologies for the disappearing act. I can’t help it!